Goals, Aims, &c., &c.

I spoke to my dad tonight, and it was the same basic conversation we have each time. He asked how I was, I told him, he told me about his Spanish work, how work was going, told me that taxes suck, warned me to enjoy my stage of life. I assured him I would do just that, that I was doing just that.

Then he asked me if I still wanted to be a corporate lawyer. My first thought went across like this, "Corporate law? What the hell? Where'd that come from?" And then I remembered that I had called him about four months ago, excited beyond belief about the prospect of going to law school and becoming someone able to make a decent amount of scratch, and told him breathlessly that I'd found (out the name of) my life's work: corporate law! It was so fitting. After all, I was an English major at Columbia, destined for the corporate world, destined to be that suit-and-tie yuppie fighting for rich people's rights (as long as I got some of the riches myself - I shuddered at the idea of non-profit law, and even thought of how I might have to fib a little to get into law school - how base and disgusting).

I don't deny that I am interested in the law. I like it for what it is as a product of millions of thoughts, feelings, situations, hopes. I feel that it is a great sign of humanity's struggle to put something meaningfuland helpful into practice. It is a good thing. I suppose that's why CC is an appealing course for me - it has really opened my eyes to the theory behind the law, and I've been able to see how it's been shaped by all these great thinkers throwing in their few words on the matter; now look! It's everywhere, and it's still mutable and having to be fixed. I think that's fascinating.

But there's something else that I can't deny - my inability to act like I care about something I really don't. You know what I don't care about? Corporate mergers and acquisitions, big business deals, buyouts and pretty much everything else that comes with a dollar bill pasted on it. I may not be a rebellious guy, but I don't know if I can justify it to myself - serving the man all those years. I just don't see it. I get too caught up in the cyclical thought of "I've only got one life to lead. Do I want to spend it working for something that I don't care about?" I don't want to do it. That's what it comes down to for me.

Will I surrender though? That's what I'm afraid of. I like to think of myself as a pretty independent thinker, actor, author of my own destiny, etc. But my dad has way more sway on me than he realizes (probably even more than I realize). I love him and everything, but I have this irrational need to show him that I'm worthy of being his son. Why is that? If I could hazard a guess, I think it may be rooted in the fact that he and my mom were together for about seventeen years before I came along. They tried for something like nine years to have a kid. Then my mom had me. They lasted less than a year after I came along. It may be far-fetched, but am I so caught up in proving myself to my dad because I just want to see that wound between my parents healed (a wound which I see as caused by me)? Am I getting too Freudian? I have never read Freud, so I really don't know how I'll be able to tell. The point is, I have irrational behaviors every once in a while.

I ask the people who know me: Will I concede? Will I be sucked into that world? Will I succumb to the lure of "success" as its defined by a large part of society? Or will I do what I want?

Do I even know what I want?

I want the following things: To write, to raise a family, to teach in some capacity, to work for the common interest.

Is it coming down to the fact that I a selfish person? I don't know how to best go about doing what I need to do to keep other people happy while at the same time keeping myself happy. I have always prided myself on my ability to just go with the flow, but dammit, sometimes you've got to stand up for something, sometimes you've just go to stop flowing for a second and say, no, I'm quite all right just being here, doing this, thank you.

Can I do it?